The Pastor's Affair

In all my years of ministry, there has been a look down upon ministry wives that don't meet a specific criteria. If your husband isn't a 501c3 'church' with a building and tithing members, he's not REALLY a pastor and you're not REALLY a pastor's wife. Then over years of study and deep questioning among theologians all over the word we discovered that a 501c3, a building, and tithing members isn't what makes a person a minister or minister's wife. 

Being a minister is a gift in the heart. It's Christ manifesting Himself through His chosen vessels. Then you attend a variety of conferences for Christian women where certain pastor's wives get special treatment. You know the ones. The ones who's husband's have the largest churches. "Your husband's ministry isn't big enough for you to be considered among the highest of pastor's wives." Sounds like high school all over again.

I was once told by a pastor's wife this statement, "If you publish a book, we'll have you in to speak to the women". So now authoring a book is the prerequisite to sharing my story. I don't see where this is in the bible that a woman has to write a book before she can minister to other women.

After the teaching sessions have ended and the pastor's wives are signing their books, autographing the inside cover of bibles, I look around the room. I see a woman sitting alone at a table, in deep thought. I ask if I can sit with her. Her face lights up. The first kindness shown to her that day, she begins to unfold her life story to me in great detail. During the course of her story it dawns on her how something in her life had been a stumbling block to her family and she confesses it through sobs. 

She somehow sees herself as a wedge between her husband and his ministry. She's a pastor's wife. She had been judged harshly by the other pastor's wives. This woman is in deep depression and her husband has been trying to send friends to her side to comfort her and lift her up. You see, he's so busy with ministry and his wife's depression is 'hindering' his work. My heart breaks. Her heart is broken as she is under the weight of the condemnation the other minister's wives have placed on her. She is suffering enough as it is. I continue to listen and she continues to speak, pausing every few words so she can catch her breath. She grips her chest and her face winces in pain. Her eyes flowing with tears and her neck tightening with gulps of air.

She tells of her husband's ministry. She describes a seemingly glorious work, a magnificent building of crystal chandeliers, plush carpets and padded pews. After every service, women are lining up to get his autograph in their bibles and they cry their tears of sadness that their husbands don't attend church with them. He pats them on the shoulders, assuring them to stay faithful to church, give their tithes, and bring their kids. She tells about how he gives public praise to these women for coming to church, that their faithfulness to serve in the house of worship is highly commendable.

But he rebukes his wife in the car on the way home. She hadn't reached out to these women. He scolds her for spending too much time at the altar praying alone, when she could have been praying with these women. He tells her that she is selfish and should present a better example to the church...to be a good pastor's wife. 

She sobs under muffled words that I can't understand. She catches her breath again, hoping no one notices her talking to me. She whisper's, "He's having an affair with the ministry"

This is a scenario that many minister's wives face every week. They think they are alone in seeing this dilemma. 

This is a serious issue that needs to be brought to the light. Many minister's wives are in deep agony over their pain and they need help. They face the fear of speaking up, thinking that ministry could crumble under the weight of the truth being revealed. They suffer in silence. They sacrifice their own hearts on the altar of the pastor's desire to grow a ministry.

Jesus Christ is the Groom to the Bride, His Church. The minister has his own bride, his wife. But he wants Christ's Bride. Is this not the story of David and Bathsheba all over again? Wanting what isn't his and forsaking his own for his fleshly desires. A minister's marriage is not higher than the others. It is also not to be neglected in order to further some man built building. We are all equal in Christ. Any marriage in a fellowship that is suffering needs help. It's high time Christianity stop trying to protect the image of the pastor and his church at the cost of other people's lives.

Women of the church,... leave the preacher alone. He has a wife.

~Lisa

Leaving a Church

If you’ve been in any church for a great length of time and have felt the need to leave, it is never an easy decision. If you have deeply invested your heart in the lives of the people and they have done the same with you, it makes it all the more difficult. I watched a documentary of how the Amish operate their Ordnungs  and the reasons why they excommunicate and shun those they feel are in ‘rebellion’ to their bishops. This is not an isolated practice. Many different churches function in similar ways and in varying degrees. 

A person may feel they have come to a place in their studies where they feel that they are in such deep disagreement that they can no longer attend that church. Other people leave because of abuse of authority and others may leave because there were deeper issues such as a pastor having an affair or is being dishonest with the government and the people about their finances. People leave churches for various reasons.

Of all the people I have spoken to about why they left church and how they did so, I have yet to find anyone who was able to respectfully part ways in love. Most times they left, because there was wounded hearts that couldn’t mend easily.

I have seen people slip out quietly by missing churches services every now and then and gradually missing more often until they just aren’t there anymore. If the church is a very busy church they may not even notice these families missing for quite a while. Then, when they do finally notice and they decide to go by or call them, the ones who left are hurt that it took so long for them to notice. Then there are those who notice right away and keep calling them, when the ones who left don’t want the contact anymore and feel at odds with how to say how they feel without hurting the church members.

We have also spoken to those who felt that the right decision in leaving was to attempt the Matthew 18 approach by going to the leadership directly with their concerns. 

In this attempt they felt the leadership was refusing to assist or perhaps it’s the leadership in the wrong and they refuse to repent. This poses a tremendous problem, because their next option is to find more people to confront this leadership with them. Most church members don’t want to do that and if they do humbly agree to help, if the leadership still refuses then these members are obligated to go before the whole church about the matter. Many times this brings about a church split. This can be a terribly painful experience for the whole church and a split among friendships that took many years to forge. This kind of scenario is like a divorce and it hurts everyone in the process.

Since every church handles departures differently it is difficult to figure out just how to handle situations like these. Every church, its leadership, and how it functions vary so greatly. Many have asked, “How do you leave a church?” To which I ask, “How do you leave a marriage?” It’s difficult and painful no matter how it’s done.

Some feel it’s best to slip away quietly and others feel a firm approach is best for them, but always keep in mind that the whole church will feel the loss. The members who leave aren’t the only ones in pain.

Looking back on our departure from a place we invested our hearts in for over a decade, I have pondered what I wish could have happened. 

I wish they could've let us go with a blessing and no hard feelings for our disagreement. I wish they hadn't tried so hard to limit our contact with those we were closest to. I wish the people wouldn't have condemned us and cursed us for leaving. I wish just one of our closest friends would've listened when we said who hurt us and how they hurt us. We didn’t want people to choose sides. We needed love and support. We wanted help with the situations we were in. We weren’t listened to, we were rebuked for speaking the truth no matter how loving we were. It became a big mess, and we never meant for it to be so. We all got broken hearts over it from the leaders, our friends, ourselves, but mostly…the children. Isn’t that how it always is? The children are always hurt the most.

We deeply love the people and we are reminded of how Paul and Barnabas parted ways.

Acts 15 36And after some days Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us return and visit the brothers in every city where we proclaimed the word of the Lord, and see how they are.” 37Now Barnabas wanted to take with them John called Mark. 38But Paul thought best not to take with them one who had withdrawn from them in Pamphylia and had not gone with them to the work. 39And there arose a sharp disagreement, so that they separated from each other. Barnabas took Mark with him and sailed away to Cyprus, 40but Paul chose Silas and departed, having been commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. 41And he went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.

Sometimes the contention just happens and there isn’t anything we can do to make it different. So here is what I’d like to share that I wish I had known when we left our former church.

It’s ok to disagree with the leadership about doctrine. Paul disagreed with Peter about doctrine and Paul spoke about it openly in front of Peter. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest anyone do this, but there is a time and place for it and it should be bathed in prayer beforehand. Seek the wisdom of others before doing so.

False teachers have been around for ages. You aren’t going to take down an entire denomination by just rebuking the pastor openly. The disciples told Jesus that they saw men casting out demons, but they sent them away since they didn’t know them.  Jesus told them not to do so. Sometimes it’s best to just walk away and say nothing. He also said that if a work is of God it will stand and if it is not of God it will fall. We can’t ‘right’ all that we think is ‘wrong’ with churches.

Attempting to be abrupt in disagreeing openly with a pastor will not only hurt the church members, but it will hurt your family as well. Some pastors will beckon for you to come before their elders before you ever get a chance to say something openly. In which case, you’ll probably be rebuked for disagreeing and you could possibly be disfellowshipped, excommunicated, shunned, or asked to leave quietly. It’s going to hurt, but graciously walk away in peace.

Maybe you feel the vision of the leadership is not the vision God has given you. Perhaps your pastor won’t listen to the vision God has given you. Maybe finding out where God would use your vision would be better than staying where His voice through you isn't welcome. We’re all human and sometimes we don’t all always understand how God speaks to others. 

Maybe the problem is you and you may need to humble yourself and ask for forgiveness.

Sometimes you simply don’t know why you need to leave; you just feel a tug from the Lord to do so. 

No matter the reason, it’s not easy to leave a church.

It’s going to be painful.

This too shall pass.

I don’t know if telling people why you leave is important. Sometimes it’s just easier to say it is a preference and leave it at that. Sometimes it’s best to be open about why you’re leaving. Only you know the answer to that dilemma. God will guide you and any step you later feel was the wrong step, God’s grace has it covered. You’re not alone and you’re not the only one who has gone through this.

Just know this, God loves you deeply and you have the freedom to go where you feel God is leading you.

This was shared from not only my personal experience, but from testimonies of others who have left churches. It is not meant to be a cookie cutter approach on how to leave a church, but rather a simple testimonial from the experience of others who have been through this. I pray that even one small portion of this will help you in whatever decision your family needs to make.

~Lisa

Where My Walkabout with God Takes Me

Many of my online friends ask me about how we fellowship since we don't belong to a local building most people call 'church'. When God called us out of the 'church' He showed us what 'church' really was and how much freedom we really have in choosing where to fellowship and with whom.

It wasn't a denomination that established the church, it was Jesus Christ and He established that within the people. As a matter of fact, the word 'church' wasn't the original context of what He was referring to. Jesus called it the ekklesia, which is the Body of Christ, the people. He is very clear as to where the Temple is..we are the temple of the Holy Ghost.

He gives us the freedom to select where to gather and with who to gather with. For our family, we saw a need within ourselves and it was God who was revealing that to us. 

{The need was for simplicity}

Our lives were so wrapped up in full time ministry that we didn't have time for each other, nor for helping those who would call late at night or stop by with a crisis in the middle of the day. We had become too busy to serve and we cringed at having to ask people to make an appointment when they were experiencing tragic turmoil in their lives. When we followed God by faith to leave the church we were in, He revealed to us a group of wounded people that may never go back to a church ever again.

{Christians wounded by other Christians}

We have heard it before... "Well, they need to get over it and go back."

I just can't begin to tell you how extremely hurtful that kind of statement is to a person who has been deeply wounded by a group of believers. A local pastor took notice of this group of people over the last several years and commented to me about the ministry God put into our laps. He shared with me how so many times people would try coming to his church and testify of the pain caused by churches and pastors. It grieves him so much to see them hurting, but because of the past hurt being inflicted by people who call themselves 'pastor', these people were far more reluctant to ever trust the title ever again. He shared with me that he saw the need for our ministry to remain out of the box, away from titles, so that God could reach out through us to help these wounded families. Families looking for the same thing..simplicity.

For many people, church has become so large that they simply can't keep up with the amount of activities and meetings, let alone the financial burden a large church puts on the people. More often than not, the few who do serve became laden with a yoke they were not meant to bear alone. They become exhausted in their service, feel obligated to keep serving, afraid to step down, and eventually they crash. They can't even walk away, because they are so crushed under the weight that all they can do is crawl away. They feel utterly defeated. Serving God should not be like this. These are among some of the people we fellowship with. 

Sometimes we gather in our home and sometimes in others. Sometimes it's over dinner at a local restaurant or coffee at a local cafe. It doesn't matter where you gather, the point is to be together to encourage one another in the faith. My walkabout with God takes me wherever His Spirit guides me. He guides my husband, my family, and our friends all over the city and even on the internet to help lift up the fallen, the exhausted, and the wounded.

How shall the Body effectively invite others to believe, if we're too busy crushing our own with such burdens? How can we be an influence in the community when we're leaving our own kicked to the curb and dare tell them to 'just get over it'?

If the Body you gather with has wounded people fleeing from your churches, it's time to stop right there and pay attention to what's going on. How can we possibly be a Light to the unbelieving world when our own are lost and dying under the rubble? That's where our walkabout with God is taking us. To help dig them out, encourage them, support them, feed them, and see them heal.

Lisa

The Great Church Race

Christians all over the world are concerned about the amount of people leaving their buildings and in response to this they condemn, compete to keep their attention, and manipulate to keep them involved.

{Something's wrong with this picture.}

I'm not suggesting the mass exodus of people from the churches is a problem, it's the tactics that are a problem.

The mega church building or even the tiniest of country churches are traditional places to gather, but not mandatory for worship, discipleship, and fellowship.

Did you get that?  

{They can gather wherever they want.}

The hymnals many churches go into debt to purchase are not mandatory for worship. Singing from hymnals is a tradition, not a biblical mandate. We sing from what is within our hearts and we can sing through various uplifting music that praises God.

There's no need for pews or pew chairs. You can use couches, LazyBoy chairs, and futons if you'd like. Sit on whatever you have, whatever is comfortable, even if it's the picnic bench or a blanket on the grass at the park.

Do you know where the homeless believers gather? Maybe it's surprising to some that they don't feel comfortable in churches in their musty wrinkled clothes. Some of them know their presence would make church people uncomfortable, so out of respect... they refrain from going. They don't have a building to gather in or money to give, but they gather under bridges and share the leftover food given to them the night before as they stood on the street corner outside the restaurant. That food is their communion among one another and Christ.

A pastor that completes four years of seminary, who holds a stamp of approval from his denomination doesn't necessarily mean God has qualified him. Several of the disciples who later became apostles didn't go to seminary. They lived life watching Jesus interact with people, He was their teacher, and because of the timing of His death, they only had three and a half years of training. Maybe I missed it somewhere, but did Jesus remember to give them a graduation service and a certificate before they could 'pastor' a church?

Well, by now you probably think I have desecrated the traditional church, but in fact I am getting around to something different. Something out-of-the-box unusual. Something that is so spontaneous and out of the ordinary that most church folk completely miss it.

There are so many books being written by tradition in-the-box preachers of mega churches that has me deeply concerned. They seem to be in a rat race of sorts. The Great Church Race. There's an electric buzz of excitement about how to make church better, how to get to the next level of service, how to engage people into the church life, and how we all need to be doing something bigger and better. What's the hurry? Why such insistence on doing it their way? And why when someone disagrees with their way and chooses not to follow suit, are people being condemned, rebuked, and belittled?

So here we have this Great Church Race to 'do something great' in the world.

Pardon me a moment as I ask a simple question.

What was the one thing Jesus wanted us to do in this world?

{Love others}

It seems to me that is simple enough and while a church thinks it's doing something great by attracting people into their buildings and providing entertainment, activities, classes, etc to keep them interested...without love... it's all clanging cymbals.

So does Love insist that it's church has more to offer?

Does Love use entertainment to attract people to itself?

Does Love demand submission to a man with a four year seminary certificate?

Does Love need to be loud and perform great feats to get your attention?

Love is patient (no need for a race)

Love is kind (no need to abruptly attract people)

Does not boast (no bragging of what it has to offer)

Does not insist on it's own way (it yields to others)

In this life in Christ are these things a 'must have'?

building

hymnals

pews

For there abides these three

faith

hope

love

And yet the greatest of those three is Love.

• Love cannot be taught with a cookie cutter model.
• Love cannot be forced as if by intravenous medicine made by man.
• Love does not race to get your attention.

• Love comes naturally.
• Love flows naturally.
• Love yields naturally.

If we are so worked up about the Great Church Race, then are we really resting in Christ?
Are we truly yielding in Him?
His yoke is light and easy.
Life in Him will not leave you worked up, exhausted, anxiety ridden to perform, or condemned if you don't join the race.

Disneyland can be an exciting place to gather and enjoy with our fellow believers. It's all so exciting! But it sure takes a lot of work and a lot of money to keep it going and as soon as the rides break down, the people feel empty and unsatisfied. Much like a come down from a sugar rush..some tend to crash.

But for those who capture the spirit of Disneyland, all the rides can be permanently shut down and they will still be fully satisfied, because what they grasped was in the heart. To be like a child again. When everything is a wonderland of exploration to them. Those little things we enjoy in child like faith. And to live knowing we are deeply loved and special people because the Creator made us that way.

So when those who insist on being entertained become disgruntled and leave, those who rest in our Lord and take in His heart in the everyday little glimpses of His Majesty, will be the ones who can walk away from the amusement park and walk into the world with something to share with others.

And it's found as we live life each and everyday, in the out-of-the-box way, among one another, in the simplest ways, in the real world, in a better Kingdom, in the Upsidedown Kingdom.

What is this?

{The Spirit of our Living God}

Where is this Kingdom found?

{The Kingdom is found within you}

Scriptures to ponder:

Luke 17:21

1 Peter 2:5

1 Corinthians 13

2 Corinthians 3

John 13:35

Lisa