The Pastor's Affair

In all my years of ministry, there has been a look down upon ministry wives that don't meet a specific criteria. If your husband isn't a 501c3 'church' with a building and tithing members, he's not REALLY a pastor and you're not REALLY a pastor's wife. Then over years of study and deep questioning among theologians all over the word we discovered that a 501c3, a building, and tithing members isn't what makes a person a minister or minister's wife. 

Being a minister is a gift in the heart. It's Christ manifesting Himself through His chosen vessels. Then you attend a variety of conferences for Christian women where certain pastor's wives get special treatment. You know the ones. The ones who's husband's have the largest churches. "Your husband's ministry isn't big enough for you to be considered among the highest of pastor's wives." Sounds like high school all over again.

I was once told by a pastor's wife this statement, "If you publish a book, we'll have you in to speak to the women". So now authoring a book is the prerequisite to sharing my story. I don't see where this is in the bible that a woman has to write a book before she can minister to other women.

After the teaching sessions have ended and the pastor's wives are signing their books, autographing the inside cover of bibles, I look around the room. I see a woman sitting alone at a table, in deep thought. I ask if I can sit with her. Her face lights up. The first kindness shown to her that day, she begins to unfold her life story to me in great detail. During the course of her story it dawns on her how something in her life had been a stumbling block to her family and she confesses it through sobs. 

She somehow sees herself as a wedge between her husband and his ministry. She's a pastor's wife. She had been judged harshly by the other pastor's wives. This woman is in deep depression and her husband has been trying to send friends to her side to comfort her and lift her up. You see, he's so busy with ministry and his wife's depression is 'hindering' his work. My heart breaks. Her heart is broken as she is under the weight of the condemnation the other minister's wives have placed on her. She is suffering enough as it is. I continue to listen and she continues to speak, pausing every few words so she can catch her breath. She grips her chest and her face winces in pain. Her eyes flowing with tears and her neck tightening with gulps of air.

She tells of her husband's ministry. She describes a seemingly glorious work, a magnificent building of crystal chandeliers, plush carpets and padded pews. After every service, women are lining up to get his autograph in their bibles and they cry their tears of sadness that their husbands don't attend church with them. He pats them on the shoulders, assuring them to stay faithful to church, give their tithes, and bring their kids. She tells about how he gives public praise to these women for coming to church, that their faithfulness to serve in the house of worship is highly commendable.

But he rebukes his wife in the car on the way home. She hadn't reached out to these women. He scolds her for spending too much time at the altar praying alone, when she could have been praying with these women. He tells her that she is selfish and should present a better example to the church...to be a good pastor's wife. 

She sobs under muffled words that I can't understand. She catches her breath again, hoping no one notices her talking to me. She whisper's, "He's having an affair with the ministry"

This is a scenario that many minister's wives face every week. They think they are alone in seeing this dilemma. 

This is a serious issue that needs to be brought to the light. Many minister's wives are in deep agony over their pain and they need help. They face the fear of speaking up, thinking that ministry could crumble under the weight of the truth being revealed. They suffer in silence. They sacrifice their own hearts on the altar of the pastor's desire to grow a ministry.

Jesus Christ is the Groom to the Bride, His Church. The minister has his own bride, his wife. But he wants Christ's Bride. Is this not the story of David and Bathsheba all over again? Wanting what isn't his and forsaking his own for his fleshly desires. A minister's marriage is not higher than the others. It is also not to be neglected in order to further some man built building. We are all equal in Christ. Any marriage in a fellowship that is suffering needs help. It's high time Christianity stop trying to protect the image of the pastor and his church at the cost of other people's lives.

Women of the church,... leave the preacher alone. He has a wife.

~Lisa

How Does a Home Fellowship Function

I have been asked many questions about our home fellowship and will be putting together some articles in Q and A format. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them in the comment section and I will answer them in upcoming articles. (Other home fellowships function differently and I'll be sharing more about that soon)

When and where do we meet?

We gather in my home on Monday nights. We rent a clubhouse for larger gatherings every so often. Where we live, we have access to a clubhouse with a deposit we get back the next day, so this really has no cost to do. We sometimes gather in other homes too. We each like to take turns hosting the fellowship.

How do you celebrate the Lord's Supper?

We have pot luck every Monday night and at the larger gathering. Some nights we do dessert and coffee only. We dine together at the table, if there are more people, we use TV trays in the living room to accommodate. We believe in the full feast style supper..imagine an Italian family dinner night..that's us. :)

How do you teach?

We have no hierarchy structure, only Christ is the Master of the meeting. He functions through various people through the night. His Spirit flows through each of us in a very spontaneous and loving manner. He edifies and encourages us through one another. If you can imagine a good peaceful ping pong table where no one has a desire to 'win'..just enjoy the game. The conversation style teaching goes back and forth. It's not a one way street here.

Do you believe in apostles, bishops, elders, pastors, and teachers?

Yes, but we do no use titles nor 'authorities' here. We are all equal in Christ. We believe in the function of the Spirit of these gifts, but not as a man made structure. We are in fellowship with people who function in all these gifts. As His Spirit guides, they function. No one person is more of a master teacher than another, Jesus is our master, his Spirit is our Teacher. All these functions are not always here every Monday. Sometimes we gather at one of their homes instead of here.

How do you handle the offering?

We don't mandate an offering. Since we own our home, we have no need to ask our guests to give us money just to host them for an evening in our home. We share in the meal by having it potluck. If someone has a need and they mention it, people will give as the Spirit guides them. No one has ever abused this by asking for handouts. People are generally quite humble and hesitant on even asking for financial help. We rely on the Spirit to speak to us about who needs assistance. We do get donations of nonperishable food so we do offer food boxes to everyone if they need it, all they need to do is ask. All the 'teachers' have their own income, so we have no need to pay them.

Do you have a nursery?

No. We allow the children to play all around the house. The older children play with them. Parents tend to their own children's needs.

Do you have a creed?

No, our gathering has no creed. Mostly it's just love Father and love one another. We believe each person has their own unique walkabout with Father and they are certainly free to hold to their own creed. As long as we each understand that we live in this life with love and mutual respect, then the fellowship is sweet. We welcome people of differing beliefs and encourage theological discussion. If they don't feel comfortable with fellowship with open minded people who question, then they may not like it here. We allow for all questioning. There is no spiritual tyranny here. We live in America where there is freedom of religion. We do not feel it's fair, spiritual healthy, nor Constitutional if we usurp their beliefs and make them believe as we do. You can believe in pre trib, post trib, tongues, healing, or women who teach. But also realize that if someone asks about these things, you'll be in for a long night. If a matter becomes a wall, we'll shelve the discussion until another time.

We are not out to get everyone to believe the same..we gather because of love for Father and one another. Bible study is challenging here. If one is not up for the challenges and study, they are free to depart peacefully after the meal. We still love them.

Do people commit to serving in your fellowship?

We don't see it that way. We believe in living the ministry life every day, not just on the day we gather. As we prepare the meal, people just naturally offer to help. There's plenty to do around here when a potluck meal for more than ten people is being prepared. We encourage people to participate in serving the community in whatever ministry they feel led to. Whether it's the homeless center, recovery homes, or day care centers for the disabled. We hold no 'positions' here. We are a family.

What about baptism?

We believe Jesus baptized us in His death. We believe that water baptism is a work therefore it is between the person and Christ if they want to do this. We are a very non traditional gathering here..and while we mean no disrespect, if someone wants to get wet as a celebration of their revelation of Christ, we'll have a pool party or go to the creek and we'll all canon ball together in celebration. I know this may sound silly, but we happen to think Jesus wants us to enjoy life and not be so stiff necked about rituals. If you want to get wet, we'll all get wet together and have fun doing it. With a huge barbecue of course. Can't leave out the Supper for such a momentous occasion as 'Christ in you'.

More to come. Feel free to ask about anything I have not covered in this post. Please refrain from trying to force me to adopt how your church functions. We are all unique and I hold firm to our soul liberty.

~Lisa

This article was published in 2011. Our lives have grown in different ways, as has our practice of gathering. The Spirit is always innovating and guides us to lean heavier into faith and is revealing greater horizons for how we reach out to and love others.